The Diet

Hancock's Half Hour (Radio) Third Series - Programme 8

Hancock is too fat for the part he is playing in a film, so he goes on a diet - and to the Turkish Baths.

Cast
Tony Hancock
Bill Kerr
Sidney James
Kenneth Williams
Andrée Melly
Alan Simpson

Programme Guide

Hancock is starring in a film, as the romantic lead, but the American producer, Mr. Stroud (Kenneth Williams), has some bad news for him.
Hancock: "You've got a valuable property in me."
Stroud: "Yeah, I've seen the rushes - we're dropping you from the film, Hancock, you're too fat."
Hancock: "What do you mean?"
Stroud: "We don't expect our stars to block out the whole screen."

Mr Stroud brushes aside Hancock's protests.
Stroud: "I'm sorry, Hancock ... go away, lose two or three stones and we'll reconsider the whole thing. We'll have to get someone else. This Bill Kerr - now he's a slim good-looking lad.- phone him, Hancock."
Hancock: "I've never heard of him ... he's got no hair ... he's bald ... he drinks ... he's very unreliable ... you'll never find him, he's in Australia ..."

When he returns home, Hancock is still puzzled by Stroud's comments.
Hancock: "I don't know what he's talking about. I'm not fat ... come on Andrée, more potatoes, dumplings, more of that ... I can still see the edge of me plate (indignant) me fat? ... Lemon meringue? Yes ... and Camembert ... Ah, lovely that was ... best breakfast I've had this week ... I'm not fat."
Andrée: "I don't want to hurt your feelings, Tony, but you're enormous."
Hancock: "So it's true."
Andrée: "You'll have to go on a diet."

Later that day, Bill arrives.
Bill: "Oh Tub, wonderful news. I've been asked to play the lead in the new jungle picture. They said the other bloke was too fat and I'm just right ... Oh, those wonderful love scenes with Lola."
Hancock: "Quiet William, I'm ordering me dinner ... one lettuce leaf, a grated carrot, three lightly boiled peas and a nut."
Bill: "They said I was a little too thin, they said I should build myself up with something good and solid."
Hancock: "How about a nice plate of cement."
Bill: "Funny, isn't it, this other guy's gone away to lose three stones ... then, they'll decide between us. It's a cinch for me, no-one can lose that much weight in three weeks. Can I have some more steak and kidney pudding please, Andrée?
Hancock: "Another lettuce leaf please."
Bill: "Pile on the potatoes."
Hancock: "Better cut that nut in half. We mustn't go mad."

At supper time, it's the same.
Andrée: "What have you got Tony?"
Hancock: "A carrot."
Bill (tucking into a mini-feast): "Oh boy, this is the life, you've really surpassed yourself, Andrée."
Hancock: "I can't sit here all day sipping half' a glass of strained cabbage-water, I'm going to bed."

After three weeks, Bill weighs 10 stone 3 and Hancock 15 stone 11.
Bill: "You'll have to cut down on the cabbage water."
Andrée suggests they go to a qualified dietician.
Hancock: "Ah yes, Mr. Gaylord James - guaranteed to take pounds off you ... mm ... mm ... give him a try."

On entering Gaylord 'Sid's' premises, they are charged ten guineas each. Sid has just the pills for them both. The pills contain the same properties as a full three- course meal.
Bill: "Why the same pills for me and Tub?"
Gaylord: "Hancock grills his and Bill fries his ... they never fail. I gave 'em to Laurel and Hardy once. Nobody knows this, but Laurel used to be the fat one."
Hancock: "We'll take 'em."
Gaylord: "Twenty Guineas each, please ... now, you must both take a Turkish bath."
Bill: "How can I gain weight in a Turkish Bath?"
Gaylord: "I use a special type of heavy water."

He gives them directions to the Bath, which he says is run by Abdul Ben James. At the door, Abdul (Sid In a turban) charges them five guineas each to enter. They then have to pay again to the genuine attendant. Bill goes into the cold room, while Hancock sits down on a slab to read his book - Agatha Christie's "Murder in the Steam room". The story begins to frighten him.

Hancock: "I wish I'd brought me Noddy Adventures now."
Then Snide appears.
Snide: "You alright in there?"
Hancock: "Oh dear, it's the one that Quatermass overlooked."
Snide: "Don't be like that, I'm the attendant. I'm taking me treacle puddings out of the steam boxes. Do you want one?"
Hancock: "No, I'm reading an Agatha Christie. I've been waiting to read this all day."
Snide: "I've read that one."
Hancock: "Good, yes, I'm still trying to. I want to finish it."
Snide : "The Police Sergeant did it."
Hancock : "Thank you, that's seven and sixpence down the drain ... I was only on page three."

Snide puts Hancock in the steam box and turns up the heat.
Snide: "I'll let you out in 14 hours time."
Bill: "Tub, where are you? All this steam - I can't see. He must have gone home."
A week later, Andrée and Bill come to the Bath to ask if they've seen Hancock.
Snide: "Oh dear, he's still in the sweat box." - Fade to last scene.

Hancock: "Good morning, Mr. Stroud, I've come to get my part in the film back."
Stroud: "Who are you?"
Hancock: "Tony Hancock, remember? The one you said was too fat. I've lost weight. I'm 8 stone 3."
Stroud: "Oh what a pity, I had another look at the rushes and you were so funny, we decided to re-shoot it as a comedy. We want a fat man. I'm sorry, Hancock, you're no good like that. You're just a bag of bones. We're giving the part to Bill Kerr."
Hancock: "But he's thinner than me."
Enter Bill (sounding suitably fat and jolly): "Morning, Stroud Babe, huh huh, morning Tub."
Hancock: "You're fat, you're enormous. You pig. How did you do it?"
Bill: "It was those pills Jamesy gave me."