The Test Match

Hancock's Half Hour (Radio) Third Series - Programme 20

Sid James, now Chairman of the M.C.C., makes Hancock Captain of the English team - and bets on Australia to win.

Cast
Tony Hancock
Bill Kerr
Sidney James
Kenneth Williams
Andrée Melly
Alan Simpson
John Arlott
Godfrey Evans
Colin Cowdrey
Frank Tyson

Programme Guide

Hancock: "I'll have middle and leg please."

Bill: "Bit to the left, that's it. How's that?"

Hancock: "How can I be out LBW when the ball hit me in the stomach. Perishing Australians, what do they know about cricket?"

Bill: "Plenty. We taught you how to play."

Hancock: "Who holds the Ashes then? I'm well known in Cricket circles. They call me Googly Hancock."

Bill: "They were referring to the way you walk."

Hancock: "Lord's won't be able to keep me out for much longer."

Hancock's playing on Saturday morning and Bill and Andrée go along to watch.

Andrée: "Tony's captain and he's been batting for over an hour."

Bill: "I'm not surprised. He's the only one in the team over 12 years old. Fancy him playing for a kid's Saturday morning cinema eleven."

Little Boy (Kenneth Williams): "I'm fed up. We only let you play 'cos you showed us how to get into the cinema free. This is the last ball and it's a fast one. How's that? head before wicket."

Bill: "He's spark out."

Andrée: "Carry him into the dressing room."

Later, the chairman of the M.C.C. calls to see Hancock.

Sid: "You were very good in the nets. You show great promise."

Hancock: "Yes I might even take the place of Denis Compton in those hair cream adverts. Another H to be added to the immortal H's; Hobbs, Hammond, Hutton and Hancock."

Hancock goes for some more practice at Lords and already on the pitch are Godfrey Evans, Colin Cowdrey and Frank Tyson. Hancock thinks they are ground staff.

Hancock: "Colin - you take the bat, Godfrey - you keep wicket and Frank ..."

Tyson: "Yes, I'll do the bowling, you watch... Notice how I hold the ball. It's very important if you want to learn to bowl. I'll chuck a few easy ones down first . No, Colin, wait, you're not holding the bat right. Who taught you to hold a bat like that?"

Cowdrey: "Hammond, actually."

Hancock: "Well there you are. What does Joan Hammond know about cricket?"

Hancock bowls to Cowdrey and gets hit for six.

Hancock: "There you are, you didn't listen. If you'd held it like I said, you'd have hit twelve ... Here, let me have the bat. Frank - bowl me a quick one. Do your best, I'll show you how to hit it."

Tyson bowls and they all appeal.

Evans: "Out."

Hancock: "What do you mean out?"

Evans: "Well, Frank caught the ball, Colin caught the bat and I caught the stumps."

Sid: "One thousand pounds on Australia to win the next Test. I pick the team and I've just had a very good idea."

Radio announcer: "And now we join John Arlott at Lords for commentary on the Test."

Arlott: "England won the toss on a great batting wicket and Hancock's put Australia in to bat. It's a shame that no one told Hancock that the England captain usually wears an England cap. He doesn't look at all right in a Davy Crockett hat."

Cowdrey: "Fancy putting Australia in to bat."

Hancock: "Don't worry. Leave it up to me."

Hancock bowls the first ball of the day 'no ball' and the second ball of the day 'no ball' and the third 'no ball'.

Radio announcer: "At One o'clock, after one and a half hours play, we rejoin John Arlott."

Arlott: "The score is 422 for no wicket and Hancock has not yet finished his first over. He comes in to bowl again."

Hancock: "How's that?"

Arlott: "He turns to the umpire."

Snide: "I don't know, I wasn't looking ... it wasn't my fault, it's all these sweaters around my neck. Hurry up, I want my lunch."

Hancock's next delivery smashes the wicket down.

Snide: "You deliberately knocked those three bits of wood down."

Hancock: "But that's the point of the game."

On the fifth day, John Arlott again continues with the commentary:
Arlott: "On this final days play, here is the score: Australia - first innings were 731 for 1. Hancock's figures were 1 over for 731. England were then all out for 2 and Australia declared their second innings for 100."

The match has now reached an exciting climax. England have made 835 by the simple expedient of locking Hancock in the cloakroom. Unfortunately, the ninth wicket falls and England, needing two runs to win, bring on Hancock.

Hancock faces up to his first ball and the crowd cheers as Hancock plays it with his ear for four. England have won and Hancock is acclaimed as a new England cricket hero.

Just as he is about to bask in this glory, Hancock wakes up and Andrée tells him that he has been unconscious for several hours and that the England captaincy was just a dream.