The Greyhound Track

Hancock's Half Hour (Radio) Third Series - Programme 18

Hancock's country mansion, newly decorated, is imperilled when Mayor Sid James decides to build a greyhound track on the site. In an attempt to evict Hancock, Sid discovers that a public footpath runs right through the house.

Cast
Tony Hancock
Bill Kerr
Sidney James
Kenneth Williams
Andrée Melly
Alan Simpson

Programme Guide

Hancock's cottage is in need of repair, but Andrée and Bill think he should move home.

Hancock: "I'll never part with it ... it's a 12th century cottage ... it's a retreat."

Bill: "It's more like a mass surrender."

Andrée: "Why don't you sell the house and buy me a new dress?"

Hancock: "No, I'm having it repaired and I'm buying a new set of chairs."

Bill: "Why? What's wrong with these?"

Hancock: "They haven't any legs. I'm fed up of sitting around here like a Japanese warlord. It's like the House of Bamboo in here some nights ...the workmen are coming in the morning."

Later, Councillor Edwardian Fred (Kenneth Williams) goes to see Mayor James. The latter wants to build a dog track, but the suitable spot has a large house in the middle of it.

Fred: "The owner's just spent £2,000 on repairs to the house. You'll never get him to leave. Only an idiot would move after spending that sort of' money."

Sid: "What's the owner's name?"

Fred: "Hancock".

Sid: "Order the electric hare. We'll have the first meeting a week tonight."

Sid begins to try and trick Hancock, telling him the house must come down. Hancock tells Sid he can only do that if he is intending putting houses up in it's place. Sid shows him the plans he's had drawn up.

Hancock: "It's a funny shaped house"

Sid: "Well ... er ... it's a circular block of flats."

Hancock: "What's that big grassy path going round the inside?"

Sid: "That's so the tenants can exercise their dogs."

Hancock: "That's very good-hearted of you. What is this little wooden box with the six little doors across the grass?"

Sid: "Oh, yeah ... er ... that's the bicycle sheds."

Hancock: "What's this. It says Tote here."

Sid: "That's Harry Tote, the architect."

Hancock: (laughs) "You know, it's ludicrous, but I actually thought you were building a Greyhound Track.... I wish you every success."

Sid: "You'll move then?"

Hancock: "No."

Sid makes more trouble for Hancock. He finds an old map showing an old pathway running right through Hancock's home and he to puts up a notice to encourage people to use the right of way.

Andrée: "More peas, Tony ?"

Hancock: "No thanks, they keep sliding off me knife."

(FX knock on door) Enter two strangers.

First stranger (Alan Simpson): "So, anyway, I said to ...Good Evening ."

Hancock: "Good Evening"

Simpson: "Fatty, where's the back door?"

Hancock: "Where are you going?"

Simpson: "The 'George and Dragon'. This is a short cut. It's a public footpath through the house."

Bill confirms: "There's a signpost outside."

(FX: More knocking and shouting and ringing of bells)

Hancock: "Did you hear that? ... the East Cheam Cycling Club ... the next one through here gets thrown out." (FX Knocking)

Snide: "Good evening"

Hancock: "Where's the poker?"

Hancock gives up his home.

Hancock: "It was a dirty trick Sid telling the Royal Tank Corp it was a short cut to the training ground. I finished up on Salisbury Plain with a gun barrel up me pyjama leg. I demand a new home ... what about these new flats designed by Harry Tote?"

Sid: "Yes £6 a week rent, the grand opening's on Monday night, move in then."

Announcer (BK) : "Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome from the Sidney James greyhound stadium for the first meeting on this new track. The hare has circled the track once and it's coming past the traps now. The traps are open and they're off and it's Bluebell followed by Dusty and., wait a minute, there are only 5 dogs racing. The door to number six trap has not opened, that's strange, there's a milk bottle outside it. What is going on inside number six trap?"

Andrée: "More stew, Tony?"

Hancock: "Yes please. Well, what do you think to the new flat?"

Bill: "It's a bit cramped isn't it?"

Hancock: "I know, but you can't grumble at £6 a week. I've got very noisy neighbours, though. They keep on barking all night long... It's that perishing hare again. He runs past here every half hour. Get me that Blunderbuss. I'll have him next time round."