Hancock's Hair

Hancock's Half Hour (Radio) Third Series - Programme 13

Imagining that he is going bald, Hancock goes to Sid for treatment, with the result that his hair turns green.

Cast
Tony Hancock
Bill Kerr
Sidney James
Kenneth Williams
Andrée Melly
Alan Simpson

Programme Guide

Hancock: "7..8..9..10...six on the bathroom floor, four more on the carpet, two in the fire place. Good grief, when is it going to stop? That's 23 already this morning."
Bill: "What's wrong, Tub?"
Hancock: "Me hair's falling out."
Bill: "It's nothing to worry about, cheer up Tub."
Hancock: "Stop tapping me on the back... that's another three gone. By Sunday, I'll only have a few strands left. I'll have to arrange them in a pattern across me head"

(Bill protests that he has less hair than Tub)

Hancock: "It's alright on you, you've got a smooth head, mine undulates ... I'll look horrible when I'm bald ... all bumps ... I'll look like a relief map of the South Downs."

Despite Bill and Andrée's protests that Hancock is not going bald at all, Hancock decides that he should do something about it and he goes to a new barber.

Hancock: "This is the place, Maison James .... Good morning. Tell Mr Maison I should like to see him ...... What's that assistant putting on that man's face?"
Bill: "It's a styptic pencil. If they cut you while shaving, it stops the bleeding."
Hancock: "That's a good idea. I get fed up walking out the shop with me face covered in fag papers."

The manager arrives. Bill: "Sid?"
Sid: "Not Sid. Raymonde. I changed it when I bought the frilly shirt."
Hancock: "How long have you been running a barber's?"
Sid: "Don't be uncouth ... I started last week. I got the idea off that bloke on the telly."
Bill: "Oh, you mean Mr Teasy-Weasy."
Sid: "That's right. Well, I'm Mr Baldy-Waldy."
Hancock: "I want your advice. I've got a problem."
Sid: "Five guineas, please."
Hancock: "I haven't got five guineas."
Sid: "Well, you've got two problems now haven't you."

Sid tells Hancock to stop wasting his time, as he's never seen a better head of hair than Hancock's.

Hancock: "Oh, I am glad. I was ready to spend my life savings on it, I was so worried."
Sid: "Let me have another look. Yes, why didn't I see it before."
Hancock: "What?"
Sid: "Galloping baldness. It's falling out all over the place."

Sid manages to get Hancock to part with £303 and the deeds to his house and car and gives him a prescription of an old remedy, which Hancock takes to the chemist.

Counter Clerk (Kenneth Williams): "Can I help you?"
Hancock: "I would like you to make up this prescription, please."
Clerk: "I can give you the bottle, but you'll have to go somewhere else for the bat's blood and the toadstool. The last time we stocked those, the manager was taken out and burnt."

Later: Hancock (maniacal laughter): "Ah, ha, ha."
Andrée: "Tony, what are you doing?"
Hancock: "Coming, Snow White. 0h, I'm sorry, Andrée. You get carried away don't you. I'm brewing myself an anti-bald potion. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble."
Andrée: "If only you could see how silly you look, standing over that copper in a pointed hat and black cloak."

Three days later, Hancock wakes up in alarm.

Hancock: "Me hair's gone green."
Bill: "I don't like it. Wash it off."
Hancock: "I can't"
Bill: "Well, it's Spring. In the Autumn, it'll turn brown and in the Winter it'll drop off."

He complains to Sid about his recipe.
Hancock: "You National Health witch doctor, you ... it's turned purple now."
Sid: "You're not bald, are you. Your hair is longer. I said it would grow. I didn't say what colour."
Hancock: "Look, I want me old hair back as it was. You're going to do this for nothing."

Sid calls his assistant over to deal with Hancock. It's Snide (Kenneth Williams).

Snide: "Good morning."
Hancock: "Don't bother, I'll have a wig."
Snide: "I'll get it back to it's own colour, but first I'll thin it out. I'm dying to have a go with these jagged scissors."
Hancock: "You keep away with those jagged scissors."
(FX: snipping sounds)
Hancock: "Now look what you've done."
Snide: "What?"
Hancock : "Jagged ears."
Snide: "The answer is a special shampoo. It'll get your hair back to it's own colour in no time. It's very strong."
Hancock: "Get on with it."

Snide shampoos his hair.
Snide: "Oh look, the water's turning purple. It's working ... Oh, look."
Hancock: "What?"
Snide: "You've gone bald."

Later at the Hancock household:
Bill: "He's getting over the shock."
Andrée: "Is his hair growing again now?"
Bill: "Yes, he won't worry about a silly thing like that again."
Hancock: "Six.. seven.. eight.. nine.. Bill, nine more this morning."
Bill: "What?"
Hancock: "The hair's on my chest are falling out."
Bill: "Oh no."
Hancock: "Quick, there's no time to lose. Get the copper going again. Where's my pointed hat? Let's see now, two ounces of bats blood, handful of berries, half a rabbit's ear, half a dozen frog's livers .... and the most important ingredient of all ... Untie him."
Snide: "No, no, no."
Hancock: "Go on throw him in. Get in there."