The Pet Dog

Hancock's Half Hour (Radio) Third Series - Programme 1

Hancock buys Andrée a puppy for her birthday. To his alarm, the puppy grows rapidly until it is two inches taller than he is.

Cast
Tony Hancock
Bill Kerr
Sidney James
Kenneth Williams
Andrée Melly
Alan Simpson

Programme Guide

The third Radio series dawns, with no apparent change in style, content, or, indeed, cast from the second series. Except, thankfully it's Andrée Melly's 'better' French accent.

The opening announcer says that Hancock's absence has been calculated so that he missed the cast's birthdays. However, Hancock has made one mistake, because it's Andrée's birthday. Bill and Tub discuss what they should buy her.

Bill: "She hasn't got a diamond necklace."
Hancock: "No, she hasn't got a home perm either."
Bill argues that he can't buy her such a gift, so Hancock says: "Alright, you buy her the perm set, I'll buy her a comb."

As it's her twenty-first birthday, they decide they must buy something more for her. So, they ask her. Andrée wants a pet of some kind. Hancock suggests a dog.
Bill: "Yes, a greyhound..... or a horse."
Hancock: "That's it. That's his lot. His knowledge of the animal kingdom is now exhausted."

They go to the pet shop. Once inside, Bill suggests racing pigeon's.
Hancock: "You're gambling mad. I'm frightened to keep chickens in case you put spurs on 'em."
Andrée says she wants the friendly gorilla in the corner and wonders what it's name is.
"My friends call me Sidney" says Mr James, the pet shop owner.
After rejecting a parrot, Andrée decides she wants a puppy: "He's so lonely, buy him for me."
Hancock: "How much?"
Sid: "Twenty five nicker."
Hancock: "Blimey, no wonder he's lonely."

However, by use of his shrewd haggling power and great cunning, Hancock manages to buy the puppy from Sid for thirty pounds. Once home, the dog begins to grow quickly and to eat everything in sight, including Hancock's slippers: "Oh no, not me Hong Kong creepers."
After two days. (FX: Hammering sounds), Hancock: "Isn't it marvellous, we've only had him a fortnight and we've got to build him a bigger kennel. He's three feet long already ... this kennel should last him." However, Andrée is feeding the dog (named Harold) on roast beef dinners, while Hancock and Bill have to be content with the scraps.

Next scene: (FX Hammering) "Look at him six foot and paws like globe artichokes." says Hancock.
But Bill maintains: "It's impossible for a dog to get any bigger."
However, he does get bigger and they have to move Harold into the garage.

With no furniture left, Hancock is on the point of leaving, when the man from next door, Snide, arrives.
Snide: "I'm complaining about your dog. He's been burying things in my garden."
Hancock: "What?"
Snide: "Me ... last week. I've only just got out. If I hadn't been under the potato patch, I'd not have survived."
Snide wants damages, so Hancock hands him a cheque for £20.10.Od. Then, Andrée comes through to tell them that Harold is very ill. Snide says he's in St. John's Ambulance and he treats the dog, while the others stand outside the room for a few hours, indulging in mock heroics.

Hancock: "We ... we must be brave."
Bill: "He wasn't such a bad dog."
Snide emerges to tell them that the dog is alright, but there has been a mistake, because "she's" had fifteen puppies.