The Marrow Contest

Hancock's Half Hour (Radio) Second Series - Programme 11

Hancock's marrow, lovingly grown for the vegetable competition, is threatened by Mayor James's road-widening scheme.

Cast
Tony Hancock
Bill Kerr
Sidney James
Andrée Melly
Kenneth Williams
Alan Simpson

Programme Guide

Scene one: Hancock's garden.

Hancock: "Up...to me...to you...around your end, lift."

Andrée: "I've got it."

Hancock: "Altogether...lift.. slowly down...there, well done. There's no doubt about it, Bill, this is the biggest marrow I've ever grown."

They measure the giant vegetable - 8 stone 7.75 lbs and 5' 4" long and the circumference from top to bottom is 38-24-39. Hancock says they'll have to fatten up the middle section.

Bill: "You could always leave it as it is and try for the Miss England contest."

Hancock's main worry is that the man next door will nobble the marrow in order to prevent Hancock from winning the £50 prize in the local vegetable contest.

Their deliberations are interrupted by a council workman (Kenneth Williams): "Oi, Podge, open the gate."

Hancock: "Can I help you?"

Williams: "Let us in mate, I've some work to do."

Thus, he allows Hancock the chance to voice a few incisive, scalpel-sharp remarks on the subject of council workmen.

Hancock: "Work? It's a bit late, isn't it? It's half past three...You're taking a chance aren't you? You want to watch it, you know, if the others find out, they'll be out like a shot."

It transpires that the council are intent on widening the road by 6 yards, which will take up much of Hancock's garden and effectively destroy his marrow. Hancock is incensed.

Bill feels the same: "I don't know how I stopped myself taking a poke at him."

Hancock: "I know. That dustbin you were in was shaking something rotten."

Hancock decides to see the Mayor about it. The Mayor is Sid James.

Hancock: "You the mayor?"

Sid: "Well this isn't a bicycle chain around my neck."

Sid will not change his plans for the road. Hancock takes his fight to his MP. At the Houses of Parliament, Hancock finds out his MP is Fred Churchill (Kenneth Williams -with an early version of Snide).

Williams: "Good Evening."

Hancock: "Oh me poor marrow...I didn't vote for you."

Williams: "Well somebody must have."

Hancock: "I want your support."

The MP can't help, though, as he remembers he's moving up to the House of Lords tomorrow. Then, Hancock goes to Buckingham Palace, but with no luck as the flag is not up. So, finally, he takes the matter to court. It's The Crown v. Hancock's Marrow, Justice Fleming (Kenneth Williams) presiding.

Fleming: "What is a marrow ? (aside) I always ask that, it gets me in the papers."

Battle commences and the two sides argue whether the marrow is a squatter, a tenant, an alien or a foreign national with diplomatic immunity. The Judge retires to consider his decision. During the recess Hancock talks to one of the barristers (Alan Simpson).

Hancock: "Where have you been?"

Simpson: "On holiday."

Hancock: "You haven't got much of a tan. You should have taken your wig off...I was nicked for collecting betting slips in Hyde Park.. anyway the judge started..."

Simpson: "Who was he?"

Hancock: "Little bloke, looks like a cocker spaniel with a wooden hammer...Easter Humphreys."

Simpson: "Christmas."

Hancock: "Eh?"

Simpson: "Christmas."

Hancock: "Oh, Happy New Year."

The judge decides that both are in the right. The road should be built but the marrow should not be destroyed.

Sid: "What are we going to do then?"

Fleming: "Quite simple. You build a bridge over the marrow."

So the work begins.

Sid: "More cement up there."

Hancock: "Mind the marrow."

Sid: "Bring the pile driver over."

Hancock: "Watch the marrow."

Sid: "Unload those bricks."

Hancock: "Ah ah ah ah, don't touch the marrow."

When the bridge is completed, Bill congratulates Hancock.

Bill: "Well done, Tub, you did it, a victory for the little man against the bureaucrats. It cost 'em 1,500,000 pounds to build that bridge over your marrow."

Andrée: "You will win the vegetable show, next week. You should be very happy."

Hancock: "I'm not."

Bill: "Why?"

Hancock: "Me marrow's dead. That perishing bridge, it kept the sun off it. It's lying there like a shrivelled-up gherkin."

Andrée: "Oh Tony, that little man next door will win the prize."

Hancock: "No, he won't...the council have cancelled the competition. The bridge was so expensive, they can't afford to hold it. Goodnight."

This is a well-packed show, with several different and rapid scene changes. The same theme - Hancock against local authority, defending his rights - was used more realistically and humorously in the fifth radio series show "Hancock's Car". Even in this show, though, there is much truth and reality shining through, amidst the unbelievable parts of the plot.