Hancock Scripts

A Holiday in Cheam

Copyright © Nigel Collier, 1998

CAPTION: `A HOLIDAY IN CHEAM`

Scene One - At the dentist

Tony:

Ah, good afternoon nurse. I've got an appointment at 12.30 - a check up of the old choppers, Hancock's the name.

Receptionist:

(she makes a big show of looking up at clock -Hancock follows her gaze: CU on the clock says 10 to 1 - she sighs haughtily).

Tony:

Yes, I'm sorry I couldn't get here earlier nurse - me er…me bus was late.

Receptionist:

I'm not a nurse.

Tony:

Oh I am sorry - it's the white frock and the little hat, gives you a sort of Florence Nightingale look. Very fetching if I may say so. (drums fingers nervously on counter - fishing for conversation) You're just missin' the lamp - dead Crimean you'd look, yes (silence). Yes. (uncomfortable laugh at his own 'joke', more drumming)

Receptionist:

(Deadpan) Yes.

(stops Hancock drumming with her hand, close up on Hancock mistaking this contact as a positive sign that he could score here if he plays his cards right)

What did you say your name was?

Tony:

(CU - sideways glance down at hands - suppressed smile, flared nostrils to camera)

Hancock, Anthony Hancock...

(pause - chancing his arm - leans on counter - intimate, tongue in side of mouth -looking nonchalant )

…my friends call me…Tony…(eyebrows)

Receptionist:

(impassive) Well Mr Hancock (formal name used pointedly, his elbow is pushed firmly off the counter, dropping off the edge - he straightens up, braces himself - getting the message). Take a seat, I'll just get your file.

Receptionist:

You did say your name was Hitchcock?

Tony:

(Hancock sits forward in low chair with difficulty, takes a couple of attempts before he can perch on the seat edge. Feeble voice) No, Hancock…

Receptionist:

Oh, sorry.

(realises her mistake and returns file - retrieving correct one - CU Hancock - big sigh of relief, holds his heart -rolls eyes, slumps back into chair. Nurse retrieves correct file)

I see your dentist is Dr Armitage.

Tony:

(Hancock stands again) Yes, Dr Armitage, yes that's right. Yes indeed - a fine man, a credit to his profession.

Receptionist:

Well you can't see him today.

Tony:

Can't see him?

Receptionist:

I'm afraid not, he's indisposed.

Tony:

Indisposed? But I made this appointment weeks ago. I've spent a fortnight preparin' for this - cultivating me 'ring of confidence'. I've been brushin' me teeth like a mad thing: 400 strokes 3 times a day. Me brush goin' away there like a pneumatic drill.

Receptionist:

Well I'm sorry but Dr Armitage has gone away on holiday.

Tony:

Holiday? Charmin'. And what if I decided to go away on holiday and never turned up for me appointment? I'd soon have the 'alf a dollar cancellation charge droppin' through on me front doormat no doubt. Oh well be that as it may, I'm here now, I'll see Dr Chapman instead.

Receptionist:

I'm afraid Dr Chapman is also unavailable.

Tony:

Not him as well?

Receptionist:

Yes. He's gone on holiday with Dr Armitage…they had good reports of the pistes in Switzerland so they've gone off skiing at short notice.

Tony:

Oh swipe me, how marvellous, I'm sure. Well good luck to him, I 'ope one of 'em hits a tree. (sigh) Alright, well who's left then?

Receptionist:

…Dr Higgins.

Tony:

What? 'Navvie 'Iggins' - 'The Butcher of Cheam'? No thank you! He's a bit too 'laissez faire' with the old grapplin' irons for my liking. And he's got hairy hands - it's like having a badger rooting around inside your cake 'ole. No, he's no good, isn't there anyone else I can see?

Receptionist:

I'm afraid not, and the earliest I can fit you in to see Dr Armitage is…let's see…(refers to diary) Tuesday week.

Tony:

Tuesday week? (despairs) That's no good, all me teeth could have fallen out by then. I could look like the Surrey all-comers gurning champion before he's even got the Swiss Alps badge slapped to the side of his suitcase. This is not good enough, you can't do this to me. I know me rights, I pay me stamp.

Receptionist:

Well, I'm afraid there's nothing else I can do. If you'd prefer to wait…

Tony:

No, no. It's cost me a bus fare 'ere so I might as well see somebody - I suppose it'll have to be Dr Higgins then, I dunno, 2 shillin's a week and this is the service you get. Oh well, eyes down for a mouthful o' badger...

(exits through door to surgery)

Scene two - at the bus stop

Tony:

(speaking slightly funny - effects of dentist)
Excuse me madam, I've been stood here ages - could you tell me if the No.42 has been yet?

Woman:

(Recoils) Are you talking to me?

Tony:

Yes, I…

Woman:

(thinks Hancock's drunk - or worse) …go away! Leave me alone you disgusting man.

Tony:

(Nonplussed by here violent reaction) Eh?

Man:

Is this gentleman bothering you Miss? (man stares at Hancock but talks to women - Hancock looks man up and down)

Woman:

Yes, he's trying to molest me.

Man:

Really? Now look 'ere you…

Tony:

I did not try and molest her, I can assure you (looks her up and down again - last line delivered as he looks down his nose at woman - as much as to suggest that it's unlikely anybody would want to do such a thing to that particular woman). It's an innocent misunderstanding. I was merely trying to…

Man:

I know what you was "merely tryin'" to do. Look at you: slurring your speech, drooling - blokes like you make me sick. I've a good mind to…

Tony:

I can't 'elp drooling, I've just had a filling!

Man:

Yeah? Well, you'll get filled in if you're not careful!

Tony:

Oh look, this is ludicrous I was merely inquiring about the bus since I've bee…oh never mind, 'ere it comes now. And not before time. Excuse me.

(sticks arm out in air and tries to push past man - man grabs his arm and hauls him back)

Man:

Oy! Do you mind? I stick my arm out!

Tony:

What?

Man:

I'm at the front of the queue: I stick my arm out!

Tony:

Yes I know but I just thought he might not have seen you...

Man:

Are you suggesting I'm small?

Tony:

No of course not, it's just that, y' know, I thought with us all stood together havin' a punch-up and…you were sort of stood behind this lady that's all and I thought he might have missed you.

Woman:

What are you insinuating?

Tony:

(aside - he's put his foot in it again - to camera) Oh, stone me. (not looking at her) I'm not insinuating anything madam, I…

Man:

Yeah well, I was 'ere first (poking Hancock with each word). If you wanna stick your arm out then I suggest you get here earlier next time.

Tony:

(Hancock looks down at finger prodding his chest and then looks at camera - aside, under breath) I'll stick my arm out in a minute - right down his cake 'ole.
I was 'ere earlier! I was 'ere 26 minutes ago when the bus was due. Every 10 minutes the number 42's supposed to come through 'ere. Typical of London Transport that is - course if I'd have got here a minute late the bus 'ad've left bang on the dot wouldn't it?

Man:

You may have been here 26 minutes ago mate, but you weren't here first - so keep your arm…and your hands (indicates with head towards woman)…to yourself.

Woman:

Oh look never mind, the bus is nearly here now so let's stop arguing - surely it doesn't matter who puts out their arm - so long as the bus stops?

Tony:

At last (nodding), trust a lady to bring some delicacy and reason to the discussion. You're quite right madam - "It matters not whether the cat's a tortoiseshell or a tabby - so long as it catches the mouse", Sidney Poitier. Right, 'ere it comes - Oi, oi, over 'ere.

Man:

Will you get your arm down? (grabs arm)

Tony:

(takes a step back, shakes off grip) Get your 'ands off me.

Man:

I was 'ere first.

Tony:

I don't care, the bus is comin'. (another attempt to put arm up is foiled) Get off me.

Man:

I will not.

Tony:

I'm warnin' you…

Man:

I was 'ere first.

(bus goes past)

Tony:

The bus! The bus! Oh this is ridiculous, we've missed it now you great buffoon.

Man:

That was your fault you stupid great twit. If you'd have just left the arm-sticking-out to me we'd have been alright.

Tony:

I tell you I thought he couldn't see you that's all, little Tin Pot Dictator!

Man:

There you go callin' me little again. Do you want duffin' up? (raises fist)

Tony:

(jumps back, assumes Marquis of Queensbury stance, squaring up) Hello, hello, Just you watch it boy. You lay one finger on me that's all, just one. (drops hands) You'll get this bus stop sign wrapped round your 'ead if you're not careful.

Man:

Oh yeah? (squares up - Hancock flinches and retakes his guard) You wanna try it, I...

Woman:

Will you two stop fighting, here comes another bus.

Tony:

Typical. Well, 'ere's your chance mate - go on, get your arm out then, Little Hitler go on (man holds out arm, albeit self-consciously) - there it goes look, "Sieg Heil", there it goes (Hancock finds own joke hilarious, looks around as he's making the joke to see if anyone else finds it funny - nobody does).

(Bus stops. Hancock makes a move for the bus but the man holds his hand up to stop him. Hancock looks down with disdain at hand on chest - flared nostrils. The man gets on first, followed by the woman who moves past Hancock and onto the bus very quickly with a nervous and accusing glance back at Hancock, worried he might try something. He stands and watches her then rolls his eyes and steps up, meeting face to face with the conductor)

Conductor:

Where to squire?

Tony:

East Cheam, 1/9'. Where have you been? Half an hour I've been stood at that bus stop (pointing out of bus doorway). And you were half an hour late this mornin'. It's not good enough, I've a good mind to speak to your supervisor. What was it this time? Another unscheduled stop at the bookies no doubt?

Conductor:

Of course not.

Tony:

(knowing 'don't come that with me' laugh) I know…it's the 1.58 from the Red Lion you wanna concentrate on mush, not the 3.20 from Haydock.

Conductor:

It's not our fault. We're short staffed this time of year that's all - a lot of drivers goin' on holiday.

Tony:

Oh I might 'ave known: holiday. Stone me, what's the matter with people, I don't understand it. The 'ole country grinds to a complete standstill just so people can go off and have a few days lyin' around in the sun drinkin cheap foreign booze and smokin' cheap foreign fags. Disgusting. It's all very well but it leaves the country wide open, that's what worries me. What if 'Jerry' changes his mind and decides to have another go? There'd be no-one here to fend 'em off. (to himself) Still I suppose we'd be alright if they dropped the H-Bomb on us - they'd miss half of our lot.

Conductor:

(fed up - Hancock's tangent has lost him - sighs - wants rid of Hancock) Y…Yeah, well I wouldn't know about that.

Tony:

Yes, well just tell the driver to get 'is skates on a bit. The chip shop 'll be closing soon and I don't wanna miss 'Z-Cars' again this week. So you go and get 'im movin'.

Conductor:

Right-o squire - if that's what you want (maintains eye contact with Hancock but pulls cord and rings bell menacingly).

Scene three - back at Railway Cuttings

Sid:

Whatsa matter with you then?

Tony:

I'll tell you 'whatsa matter with me then': I've just been on a bus driven by a ravin' maniac (pronounced m'nyack) that's what. Shouldn't be allowed to drive sheep that fella. All I did was ask him to get a wiggle on and he went berserk: he was purposely throwin' us all over the place. He went round the gasworks roundabout 4 times. One poor old woman couldn't get off! She said she'd been past her stop twice already. I only managed to get off by grabbin' hold of the backs o' the seats or else I'd have been halfway up the Fulham Road by now. I looked like Tarzan of the Apes swinging down the aisle.

Sid:

Oh never mind that, you're 'ome now boy. 'Ere, there's some tea in the pot - I'll get you a cuppa. (disappears into kitchen).

Tony:

Oh thanks Sid, yes. (shouting into kitchen - picks up book, looks at cover whilst talking). Then I nearly got duffed up at the bus stop, me bus was late this mornin' - I arrived late for me appointment at the dentists and then to cap it all…(Sid returns with cuppa - Hancock stops shouting)…then to cap it all I only 'ad to see Butcher 'Iggins didn't I?

Sid:

Oh no…not 'Airy Hands?

Tony:

The very same. (puts down book, takes tea) Gave me a fillin' and charged me 30 bob. Now half me face has gone numb (ruefully feeling cheek, then looks in his tea cup…pause) Where's the milk then?

Sid:

We 'aven't got none. You used the last of it in your cornflakes this mornin'.

Tony:

Yes I know but we should have two more bottles o' gold top. Hasn't the milkman been?

Sid:

No. He's on 'oliday.

Tony:

Oh not 'im as well? It's the same story everywhere you go. I went to the library this morning to see if they had any more books on Bridge and they were closed. Harry the librarian's gone on 'oliday.

Sid:

Well what about that dolly bird who stamps the tickets? Isn't she still there?

Tony:

Who, Elsie? Who d' you think Harry's gone on holiday with?

Sid:

Oh.

(Hancock tries to take a drink of tea - he keeps trying to purse his lips but can't do it properly - the effects of the dentist have made half of his mouth completely unresponsive. He makes several attempts trying the cup at different angles and out of the side of his mouth etc. Eventually he takes a drink and it pours out of the side of his mouth all down his front).

Tony:

(cries in pain, pulls shirt away from his skin and blows down the front). Look at that. Perishin' dentist. Me shirt's ruined. Oh it's just not my day Sid - I think I'll turn it in - where's me Bridge book?

(picks up book)

Sid:

What's the big thing with Bridge all of a sudden? You were sat at this table all last night blabbing on about 'Doubletons' and 'Grand Slams'.

Tony:

I'm learnin' how to play so's I can join the Cheam Bridge Circle. I've just been refused entry to the C.G.F.

Sid:

The C.G.F?

Tony:

Yes, the C.G.F: 'The Cheam Green Fingers' - the allotment owners club.

Sid:

I didn't know you had an allotment.

Tony:

I 'aven't, that's what I wanted to join for. I thought havin' a relative who used to be on the committee might have helped swing things for me.

Sid:

What relative?

Tony:

My uncle: 'Fungus 'Ancock'..

Sid:

Fungus 'Ancock?

Tony:

Yes, he kept half of Cheam supplied with mushrooms during the War. He used to have one of the plots next to the railway lines - 6 square yards of the most fertile soil in England.

Sid:

What 'appened to it?

Tony:

They drove the Northern line through it. He was swizzled out of it years ago when somebody sold the deeds to the railway company behind 'is back.

Sid:

Who?

Tony:

Your uncle - 'Crowbar' James.

Sid:

Well, all I can say is boy, you're a glutton for punishment. Rejection after rejection. You've been turfed out of the golf club. You were bounced out of the Cheam Chess Club last week weren't you?

Tony:

Ah now, that wasn't my fault. They didn't like me Classical variation of the Sicilian Defence.

Sid:

What was that?

Tony:

I dunno. (pause - earnest look at Sid) I thought it was the same rules as draughts, I jumped over 4 of 'is pieces and asked him to 'king' me and he went berserk.

Sid:

Then there was the East Cheam Lodge of Masons: a record number of black balls. Some people even put two in. Not to mention the East Cheam Hunt, you ruined two of Mrs Crevatte's ironing boards practising your dismount.

Tony:

Yes, I even bought me own red jacket and huntin' horn for that one!

Sid:

Blimey, I don't understand you, what do you 'ave to keep tryin' to join things for?

Tony:

(puts book down) Because Sidney, I happen to lead what is known as a rich social life. I'm a joiner - and not the chisellin' sort. I need the company of me peers - the cigar mob: camaraderie, sophisticated conversation…and Bridge Evenin's. I need more outa life than just sittin' round the 'ouse suppin' tea and scratchin' meself. I mean, what have you achieved today? You got up this mornin', saw the deck of cards on the table and thought, "'Ello, that'll do me for the day". When I went out to the library at half past nine you were sat there playing Patience; I come back at gone three in the afternoon and you 'aven't moved. There's just more fag ends and toast crumbs knockin' about. Don't you have any ambitions Sidney? Any direction in your life? Don't you aspire to higher things?

Sid:

No. I don't. I'm quite 'appy as I am. I don't need direction. I don't like making plans - I enjoy me freedom…

Tony:

I'm not surprised, you've seen precious little of it since you were 11.

Sid:

Yeah well, that's why I take each day as it comes.

Tony:

You're a fatalist Sid, that's your problem. I knew that trip to Nepal would turn your head. You're too reactionary.

Sid:

Well all I know is, if I get up and wanna play cards all day I can. D' you know, I can't understand it…

Tony:

What?

Sid:

Well, I've been playing for 7 hours straight and I still haven't won a game.

(Sid starts to lift up a card to see what's underneath - Hancock intervenes)

Tony:

Here, what're you doin'?

Sid:

I'm 'avin' a look what's underneath the 10 o' Diamonds.

Tony:

You can't do that, that's cheating.

Sid:

Is it?

Tony:

'Course it is. Stone me, you've been cheatin' for 7 hours and you still 'aven't won yet?

Sid:

No. I'll just have a peek at w…

Tony:

No. (Sid tried to lift up card again. Hancock brushes his hands off with a series of rapid slaps - Sid looks at him, puzzled). Defeats the whole object of the game that does.

Sid:

Does it?

Tony:

Of course - 'Patience' is so called because it is a game which requires just that: 'patience'. Only by sticking rigidly to the rules can one feel truly triumphant. Each card must be played in strict numerical sequence: black on red and vice-versa, no card in an empty space apart from a King, no more than 7 rows and if one gets stuck, one simply turns over every third card…

Sid:

Blimey, you'll never get anywhere playing by those rules, you've gotta bend 'em a bit.

Tony:

Well it hasn't done you much good has it? 7 hours and not a nibble. I'm well familiar with the Sidney James school of parlour games. That's precisely the reason why I don't want you around when I host me first Bridge Evening, there'll be no brown ale, marked cards and funny spectacles 'ere. Besides Sid, Bridge just isn't your sort of game: it requires strategy and diplomacy not sleight of hand and chicanery. Now I grant you you're a dab 'and with the figures I can't deny that. You're always first to tot up the dart scores down the Hand & Racquet, and nobody can touch you when it comes to working out the odds on accumulators but stick to what you're good at.

Sid:

(Shake of head) Well I can't understand it - 517 games without a sniff.

Tony:

(leaning back, putting feet up, picks up his book off the table again) You're the same with jigsaw puzzles: remember that dirty great 5,000 piece jigsaw of Tower Bridge you did? Took you under 10 minutes - 'ammering pieces in with your fist. Looked nothing like it when you'd finished - it had 3 skies to my knowledge. Now, where was I? (to camera) 'Major-Suit contracts' I think…now then…eyes down f…

(stopped in tracks - open his book up and the bookmark falls out - it's a playing card - BIG CLOSE-UP on card. They both stare at it for ages in disbelief. CU Sid quickly counting up the cards…)

Sid:

Fifty one! You great steamer!

Tony:

Well blimey it wasn't my fault, I had to mark me page with something. If anything it's your fault.

Sid:

How?

Tony:

It was you who ruined me proper bookmark. Fancy using a rare fag card of W.G. Grace to stand your bottle of stout on.

Sid:

(Looking into space ruefully - runs hand through hair) Blimey - 7 hours playing Patience with 51 cards…it's enough to send someone round the twist.

Tony:

Yeah well, ne…the twist? (ad-libbing style aside - Hancock is amused by Sid nicking one of his catchphrases - Sid smiles back in recognition)…never mind about all that now, I'm 'ungry. What's for supper? I don't suppose judging by this little feast here that there's any bread left?

Sid:

No.

Tony:

Thought not! There was 'alf a loaf and two crusty cobs in that bread bin this morning. (picks up Marmite jar) …and I don't know how you can eat this stuff. (sighs) Well, what're we gonna have then?

Sid:

Cheam Fish Bar.

Tony:

They're shut! (bitter - bus's fault) I don't much care for that new girl in there anyway - she does insist on piling the mushy peas on top of the chips. I keep tellin' 'er it makes the chips go soggy but she won't listen.

Sid:

Yeah well, it won't do you any harm to miss your rock salmon for a night.

Tony:

And what is that supposed to mean?

Sid:

Well you must admit, you can afford to cut down on the food a bit.

Tony:

I do not admit that. You're just annoyed about your game o' cards so you're 'aving a go, I know.

Sid:

No I'm not - you eat like a horse.

Tony:

I do not. I eat a perfectly normal amount for a bloke of my size and build.

Sid:

I was referrin' to your technique: face first into a great 'eap o' grub.

Tony:

Do you mind? "A chap's corpulence is merely evidence of his opulence", G.K. Chesterton. It's the good livin' that's my trouble. My rotundity is a reflection of my wealth and success - they don't come cheap these y' know - (pats belly proudly, looks down at it and then at Sid. Gets up and admires himself in mirror - looks at belly again, feels it) - takes a fortune to get one lookin' like this - years of gourmet noshin' that is mate. Bacchanalian's more the word, dead Bacchanalian. (stays in front of mirror but turns head to face Sid) Of course in some societies this would be seen as a status symbol y' know. (back to self in mirror) I tell you, if I washed ashore on some Pacific island and they got one look at this lot (refers to belly again) they'd be down on their knees to me.

Sid:

Well this isn't the Pacific, it's Cheam. It's unhealthy boy. You can't keep goin' on like this - the body can't take it: overeatin', drinkin' too much, 'ighly strung all the time, always being knocked back, always gettin' up peoples' 'ooters. You don't do yourself any favours do you? Look at last week when you came home from the pub: you had a gallon o' booze down the Hand & Racquet, fish supper on the way 'ome and nearly caused a punch-up in the chippy…

Tony:

(Turns from mirror to Sid) I tell you that last piece o' skate was mine. I was in the queue before that bloke with the…

Sid:

…and when you got back 'ere you polished off that bottle of Hungarian sherry and smoked that whole box of cigars - one gross of Moroccan cheroots in a single sitting! You wanna take it easy, relax a bit. What you need is an 'oliday.

Tony:

(sits) Don't you start.

Sid:

Well maybe it's time you thought about it boy. Think about it, (both look at some imaginary image which Sid describes) Lying on some beach in the Mediterranean, sippin' on a cocktail, basking in the sun alongside a load of birds in bathing costumes, reading your Bridge books in complete peace and quiet - no soggy chips, no dentists, no bus queues - nothing.

Tony:

D' you know Sid that might not be such a bad idea. It'd do me the world of good wouldn't it?

Sid:

Of course it would boy.

Tony:

Alright, well, where shall we go then?

Sid:

I dunno, could go anywhere in the world couldn't we: Zanzibar, Acapulco…ere…why don't we go to a Pacific Island - you could show your belly off?

Tony:

Yes. I mean, the world's our oyster isn't it? We could go anywhere we wanted.

Sid:

Yeah.

Tony:

But where?

Sid:

Yeah, where?

(they both think in silence for a while - looking at each other and then looking away - thinking. Hancock opens his mouth about to speak, Sid looks at him with mild interest, Hancock looks at Sid, mouth open and then closes it again and shakes his head so as to say, 'forget it'. More sitting and gazing)

Tony:

Oh this is ridiculous. This is no good, sitting here staring at each other. It's impossible to decide. We're spoilt for choice, I can't make up me mind. There's only one thing for it: Fate must decide. Sid, fetch me me world atlas down.

Sid:

What are you going to do?

Tony:

I'm gonna stick a pin in it.

(Sid retrieves atlas from bookcase and opens it out on the table before Hancock)

Tony:

Ahh there you are me proud beauty (standing, leaning on atlas on table like a ship's captain surveying his charts) - all the known world laid out before me. (big build up as Hancock gets himself worked up) Now Lady Fortune must guide us with her fickle hand. Which exotic location, which sunny, romantic, bird-strewn corner of the world will it be? (puts hand over eyes, turns away - Hancock is in a frenzy…) Come pin of destiny, whisk us away from these cheap rooms and the depressing manacles of urban strife…

(thumps pin into book with high drama and freezes - exhausted by the emotional effort - sill covering eyes)

Where is it? Where is it?

Sid:

(leans forward unenthusiastically, looks at map, matter of fact) Birmingham.

Tony:

Oh Stone me, just my luck. I'll try again - stand back… (same procedure - stabs pin in then - still facing away looks with expectation through fingers covering his eyes).

Sid:

Where this time?

Tony:

(Sighs) the middle o' the Indian Ocean. 'Ere (offers Sid pin) you 'ave a go.

Sid:

Alright…(raises pin)

Tony:

No, wait a minute, stop…(grabs arm)

Sid:

What?

Tony:

You're not covering your eyes up.

Sid:

Oh Cor Blimey Do I 'ave to.

Tony:

Of course you do, come on.

Sid:

All right, all right.

(covers his eyes up unenthusiastically and stabs pin into atlas, immediately removed hand from eyes and has a look)

Tony:

Well?

Sid:

Er…Mauritius

Tony:

Ah yes, the Far East. That's more like it…yes…Mauritius…jewel of the Orient. Well, get your coat on.

Sid:

(thinking they're setting off for Mauritius straight away) Eh? We're not going now, I've got 30 bob on the 4:40 at...

Tony:

Can't you think of anything else? Of course we're not going now, we're off to the Travel Agent's, it doesn't close for another hour. Ahh I can almost feel the Geisha girl trampling up and down me bronzed torso, sun cream in one hand and a bottle of Sake in the other. Marvellous…

(They take their coats from the coat stand)

Scene four - Travel Agents

Travel Agent:

Hello, can I help you?

Tony:

Good day Miss. Yes, you certainly can. We'd like to book a holiday.

Travel Agent:

Certainly, do you have a destination in mind?

Tony:

I should say so, my word yes. Tell her Sidney.

Sid:

Mauritius.

Travel Agent:

Oh Mauritius? Wonderful, I've always wanted to go to the East Indies.

Tony:

Eh? Oh yes, the East Indies, yes. Yes, 'the Jewel of the Caribbean'. Yes, I'm fed up with Britain you see, it' got nothing to offer me any more - horrible, cold, miserable place. It's stifling me. Suffocating me. I wanna to feel the sun on me back, get away from it all, relax in an beautiful island paradise, opt out of the rat race. Serenity, that's what I'm after, serenity - peaceful surroundings where I can contemplate. If Gaugin can do it then so can I.

Travel Agent:

I see. Would you like to see some brochures?

Tony:

I don't think that'll be necessary - the pin of destiny never steers you wrong. Besides, I think I've seen all I need to see (refers to poster) look at that lot.

Travel Agent:

All the same, you'll need to choose your accommodation…

Tony:

(takes brochure, leaves through) Oh anything 'll do, I'm looking for a simple life - uncluttered - a quiet hut to call me own and somewhere to crack me coconuts open that's all I ask. Yes, these…these prices…they are in local currency I take it?

Travel Agent:

Rupees? Oh no…all quotes are in Sterling and exclusive of meals and insurance.

Tony:

What? Just for a seat on an aeroplane and a roof over me head? I had no idea holidays would be so expensive. Have you seen these Sid?

Sid:

(looking at prices) Oooh dear…well isn't there any cheaper way? I mean, can't we go by boat?

Travel Agent:

Oh a cruise? Yes, here are some brochures, the prices are here.

Tony:

They cost even more.

Travel Agent:

Yes well the journey takes three weeks and those prices do include all meals as well as luxury accommodation. You know, a lot of people book these holidays just for the journey itself (laughs).

Tony:

(Miserable) Well I don't. Isn't there anything cheaper? How about going freight? There must be some tea clippers or spice boats still nippin' over there…

Travel Agent:

No…

Tony:

…couldn't you find us a berth on of those, I mean we'd muck in y 'know, I learnt a few knots in the scouts and my friend here knows the hornpipe, we c…

Travel Agent:

…No I'm afraid not Sir.

Tony:

(Leans on desk and looks at Sid, sighs) Well we've had it then haven't we. Mauritius is out of the question. So much for the bird with the bowl of fruit on her head…(turns to poster)…she'll have to pick her own mangoes. I never did like rum anyway.

Travel Agent:

Well, perhaps you should be looking a bit closer to home. A European destination may be more within your budget. The South of France is very popular at this time of year.

Tony:

No. Europe's out of the question since that Cliff Richard film. You can't go anywhere on the continent these days without dirty great double-decker buses packed with teenagers tearin' around everywhere.

Travel Agent:

Have you considered a holiday in Britain? More people are choosing to stay here nowadays.

Tony:

Yes of course, that's it: Britain. Good old Blighty, the best country in the world. You don't need to go traipsing all over the world to have a good holiday, none of 'em speak the lingo, they eat funny food. Give me chop sauce and pounds, shillings and pence any day.

Travel Agent:

Holiday camps are still very popular, have you been to one before?

Tony:

Yes I have: 3 seasons' worth at Skegness. And I may say I'm not welcome back - not after some of the routines I used to do up there. Besides they charge a fortune for a chalet.

Travel Agent:

I see. How much are you intending to spend on this 'dream holiday'?

(Hancock pulls a fistful of dog-eared notes out of his pocket and slaps them sheepishly on the counter - he looks expectantly at Sid - Sid looks blankly back at him, Hancock gestures with his head for Sid to lay his money on the counter - Sid reluctantly pulls a pathetic handful of small change out of his pocket and adds it to the sorry total)

Tony:

What can you give us for that lot?

Scene five - Camping

1. Long range shot of Hancock and Sid walking down Cheam High Street with knapsacks on back - passers by look at them bemused. They pass a tube station and Sid tries to enter until Hancock seizes him and remonstrates with him, they walk on.
2. Hancock and Sid striding out, the Great Outdoors, both getting great lungfuls of fresh air and looking at each other in 'this is the life boy' way - Hancock winks at Sid
3. Hancock points out something to Sid, CU on wildlife (deer or something) they both look at each other with wonder - false, cheesy
4. Sid reaches top of hill still fresh, pauses before camera and then strolls on out of shot - camera stays in place Hancock appears knackered some seconds later, pauses, rests against post, sighs and then reluctantly smiles - obviously for benefit of Sid off-camera - and presses on
5. Both harangued by flies, swatting away
6. Hancock is walking behind Sid, Sid lets a branch twang back into Hancock's face - he pauses and looks into camera
7. Sid trots lightly over a muddy patch of ground, Hancock following him pauses then jumps into his footmarks and promptly sinks up to his knees in mud - Sid laughs and tries to help him out but Hancock irritably slaps his hands away annoyed
8. Trying to erect tent in pouring rain
9. Both sitting huddled too-small tent which has been put together very badly - facing away from each other - Hancock scratching at bites furiously, Sid fed up - rain pouring down
10. Same shot but morning, both asleep leaning against each other - pan back to reveal their gear strewn everywhere, goat nibbling at item of clothing or something
11. Hancock and Sid emerging from the tube station back in Cheam, utterly bedraggled - Hancock limping dramatically - dragging leg, hair a mess

Scene six - Back at Railway Cuttings

Tony:

£2 6s. 11d. ha'penny. Fancy going into a Travel Agents with £2 6s. 11d. ha'penny .

Sid:

Blimey, what are you moanin' about we got an 'oliday didn't we?

Tony:

An 'oliday he calls it. 5 days hire of a canvas bivouac - and we only lasted one night.

Sid:

It's not a bivouac, it's a lightweight tent.

Tony:

Lightweight? It may have been lightweight yesterday when you were carryin' it mate but it rained last night don't forget. It must weigh about 4 stone now.

Sid:

Yeah well, shuddup moanin' and let's get inside.

(They enter the living room and Hancock plonks his weighty comically bulging rucksack on the table. Sid hangs his much smaller baggage on the back of the chair. Hancock looks at it suspiciously, looks at his own then the two look at each other)

Tony:

(opens rucksack) Oh I need a drink, I should have a flask of brandy knockin' about 'ere somewhere…

(looks in rucksack and finds it packed with all the heavy stuff)

Wait a minute, what's all this? No wonder I'm exhausted, what have I got in me backpack 'ere? (pulls out tent poles and puts them on table) All the tent poles…
(pulls out tent)
…the tent…
(pulls out clattering mass of pans)
…pots and pans…
(pulls out a crate of beer bottles)
…a crate of brown ale…stone me, your backpacks in 'ere as well.

(Doesn't pull out Sid's rucksack but keeps rummaging - pulls out half a brick. Holds it up and looks quizzically at it)

And what may I ask is this? What's half a brick doing in 'ere?

Sid:

Oh, that's mine.

Tony:

Eh? What is the meaning of putting a brick in me backpack - it's a backpack Sid not a hod!

Sid:

(takes it off Hancock) That's my half brick I use for smashin' shop windows.

Tony:

Well for crying out loud, what did you wanna take it campin' for? There's no shops on the South Downs.

Sid:

Yeah, I know but this is my lucky brick.

Tony:

Lucky brick? That's ridiculous.

Sid:

No it's not. You play conkers don't you?

Tony:

Yes of course, what's that gotta do with it.

Sid:

And you keep that dirty great one in that jar of vinegar in the kitchen don't you, That one that looks like a King Edward?

Tony:

Oh you mean "Gertrude". Yes of course, I've had her since I was a boy, she's a 39er

Sid:

Well this brick is a 51er.

Tony:

(pause - disgust) Oaf. Well that's me lot with camping Sid, I've had it. One night we lasted…one night. (takes log book out of rucksack) Look at this - I've hardly touched me journal - half a page worth, that's all I managed, (opens book) "Anthony's log, South Downs, day one:…soakin' wet and fed up. Rained all night. We'd turn it in and go 'ome but we've lost our bearings and don't know which way 'home' is. Tried to pinpoint our location by lining up surrounding natural features with the map. Couldn't find any. Navigator James has brought a map of the North York Moors" (slams journal shut). It was lucky for you we came across that troop of boy scouts otherwise we'd still be wandering about in the wilderness or half way to Eastbourne by now. I blame myself of course. It was a mistake giving you the map in the first place - a townie like you. You were lost as soon as we passed the Skinners Arms you were. That's as far as your topographical knowledge goes. You know all the lanes and alleys round 'ere like the back of your hand but get you any further than the bookies 4 streets down and you've had it haven't you?

Sid:

Yeah well that's my patch innit, my territory.

Tony:

What do you mean 'your territory', what do you think this is, 'rutting season'?

Sid:

No, I tell you this is my patch - it's a sort of agreement between me and a few of the local business rivals.

Tony:

Oh, I see, you and the rest of the local vagabonds share the spoils out between you.

Sid:

Something like that - saves any punch-ups. I tell you, it's a pity you don't live in Cairo Road…

Tony:

Why?

Sid:

That's Edwardian Fred's patch. That includes the jewellers and that nice little used car lot on the corner of Canal Street.

Tony:

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you. What's your patch then?

Sid:

I've got all the shop windows in the High Street from 'ere down to the butcher's.

Tony:

From here to the butcher's? (thinks about it - penny drops) That includes the tobacconist's doesn't it?.

Sid:

Yeah, that's right.

Tony:

(Realisation) I wondered where those great boxfuls of fags had come from under my stairs. You told me you were keeping 'em for Arab refugee week. All the time you've been stashing a load of stolen fags under there.

Sid:

Blimey I had to put 'em somewhere, what's the matter with you?

Tony:

I am a respectable law-abiding citizen Sid. Law abiding citizens tend not to have their abodes used as warehouses for your ill-gotten contraband. And to think I 'ad the vicar in 'ere on Sunday with the bone china and the arrowroot biscuits out - quite happily sitting there discussing stained glass windows completely oblivious to the half dozen boxes of red hot navy cut snouts stowed away there. I will not have my stair cupboard used as a hiding place to secrete your loot in.

Sid:

Alright.

Tony:

I wouldn't mind but it's not the first time either. I must have the cleanest coal bunker in Surrey, it's never seen a piece of coal since I've lived 'ere. It was full of stolen demob suits for 3 years. I couldn't get in me Anderson shelter during the Blitz for knocked-off sides of beef hanging up in there. Then, of course, who could forget the time we had the AA man out when I couldn't get me car started. He lifted up me bonnet and found the problem straight away - there was no engine in there - just 400 bottles of scotch starin' up at him. A very difficult time I had explaining that one to him as well I might add.

Sid:

I know, cost me half a dozen bottles to keep him quiet

Tony:

It'd cost me a lot more than a few bottles of whiskey if the local constabulary were to get wind of this little horde 'ere.

Sid:

Alright, alright…it won't happen again.

Tony:

It better not…(pause)...next time get some decent fags...with filters - the ones that Sir Laurence Oliver smokes.

Sid:

Alright. 'Ere, why don't we get dried off and go down the Hand and Racquet?

Tony:

Yeah, or we could have a go at this crate of brown ale and make a night of it. I'll teach you how to play Bridge and we can smoke some of them fags. It'd be a shame to waste 'em wouldn't it?

Sid:

Yeah, alright (donning coat) you can deal the cards while I go down the chip shop.

Tony:

(shuffling cards ) I could murder a piece of rock salmon…and soggy chips are quite nice once you get used to 'em…where's me long cigarette holder?….

End

Copyright © THAS 2000