H-H-Hancock's Half Hour

The Knighthood
Episode Synopsis

Hancock is determined to get a Knighthood, and takes up a career as a Shakespearian actor - interpreting all his parts in the style of Long John Silver. His goal - the Old Vic

Quotes

Sid:
Just wait mate, just wait. One good night at the Dogs and I'm gone.

Hancock:
My rendition of Buttons 'ad a depth of meaning which astounded everybody who saw it. And I did it without a guitar.

Hancock:
I shall have to brush up on me Shakespeare, I've got a copy of Treasure Island somewhere.

Hancock:
My dear sir, either you're jesting or you're looking for a punch up the hooter.

Old Vic Manager:
Get out!

Programme Guide

Hancock:
Mmm yes, "James 4th Duke of Rivermount, Sir Giles Sanderstead 17th Earl of Westland." Oh, the history that lies between these pages. "Title created in 1263", isn't that marvellous. Oh, to be in England now the gents are here. 'H'...here we are, "Sir Hilary Hattersley of Huntingdon, Henry Duke of Handley, Thomas 5th H'Earl of Heston." That's where I'd go, in between those two. 'Hancock, first Duke of Cheam'. What a lovely sound that house, the Duke of Cheam. Just think of all the pubs I could have named after me, I can just see it, meet old portrait up there in a high wind, swinging backwards and forwards with the best of 'em. Who shall I let have it? A big brewery or a free 'ouse? "Come on boys, what about a pint down the old Duke of Cheam tonight?" Ha, ha, there's immortality for you.

(knock at door)

Ah, the postman.

(Hancock rings bell for Sid. Enter Sid)

Sid:
Whad'ya want?

Hancock:
Whad'ya want? You don't come in here and say "Whad'ya want", you say "you rang Sir? ".

Sid:
I know you rang its up on the board. Whad'ya want?

Hancock:
I believe the postman has called, go and fetch the letters in.

Sid:
You go and get them, what do you think I am? A lackey or something?

Hancock:
Until such time as you can pay for your room and board, yes. If you don't like it you can load up your barrow and leave.

Sid:
Just wait mate, just wait. One good night at the Dogs and I'm gone.

Hancock:
Enough, the familiarity of the below stairs staff is becoming quite ludicrous. No wonder some of the great old families have pushed off to the Bahamas.

Sid:
Do me a favour. Ever since you got hold of a second hand copy of Burke's peerage, you've gone right off.

Hancock:
Any more of that backchat James and I shall make you clean all the silver again.

Sid:
"all the silver ", two British Railway forks and a sugar spoon from Margate.

Hancock:
Oh honestly Sid you're hopeless you've got no idea. You're supposed to be a gentleman's gentleman. Let's have a little delicacy. Go to see pictures and see how Arthur Treacher does it. Go on, go and get the letters there's a good chap.

Sid:
Oh blimey, shall I bring 'em 'ere in the drawing room Sir?

Hancock:
Can't you see I'm reading, this is the library today. Go on, be off with you. I'll have to get rid of him as soon as me title comes through. He's alright as long as I'm a commoner, but I'll have to get a professional as soon as I've had the sword on the shoulder.

Sid:
The mail Sir, your 'ighness.

Hancock:
Thank you, any news from the Prime Minister?

Sid:
No. The final rate demand, half a dozen soap coupons and the gas bill.

Hancock:
Oh well, send the soap coupons to the gas company and tell 'em to knock 'em off me account. Are you sure there's nothing from No. 10?

Sid:
Oh blimey, don't you ever give up? The New Year's Honours list has been out for months now. They've 'ad the draw and all the winners 'ave been picked. And your numbers 'aven't come up, same as your ERNIE bonds.

Hancock:
They don't run it like the ERNIE bonds, they're picked for their services to the community. I can't understand it, I've been overlooked again. I thought I was a stone bonker this year. Alec Guinness got a knighthood, why shouldn't I?

Sid:
Oh, I get it. Your jealous.

Hancock:
No. I'm not jealous. I'm not carping about Alec. He deserves it, he's a good lad. Never drunk, no punch ups. A credit to the profession, more power to his elbow. But I think I'm entitled to a little recognition as well. I told the Prime Minister when I applied for it, I put me qualifications down: three years in the Home Guard, I stood alone round here mate, the only thing between Hitler and East Cheam. Guarding the highways of the nation I was. Every night, lying in the bushes on the roundabout waiting for 'em.

Sid:
That's not enough for a Knighthood.

Hancock:
Well, there were other things. They took my front gate to build a battleship, and they never brought it back after the war I might add. I did everything they asked of me, I dug for victory, ate more potatoes, went to it, kept mum, carried me gasmask. Surely these things must count for something, what more do they want?

Sid:
Well everybody in the country did all those things. You can't have 60 million Dukes and courtesies knocking around. "Good afternoon Sir, the Earl of West Drayton has come to empty your dustbin ". What are you talking about?

Hancock:
Well I still feel I've been slighted. It's not only Alec, it's all the others as well, Sir Lawrence Oliver, Sir Ralph Richardson, Sir John Gingold, all that mob. If it's good enough for them it's good enough for me.

Sid:
But they got their Knighthoods for their services to the theatre.

Hancock:
And what about my services to the theatre? For 12 years now I've graced the British stage with my performances. Performances that will never be seen again.

Sid:
That's true.

Hancock:
It's a sneer, that's it. You never did see me in pantomime did you? My rendition of Buttons 'ad a depth of meaning which astounded everybody who saw it. And I did it without a guitar. The whole performance in the best tradition of the Russian Theatre and Stanislavski

Sid:
You mean you didn't get any giggles.

Hancock:
I didn't try to get any giggles. I saw the part as a tragedy.

Sid:
Tragedy? Blimey, it was a disaster, you got paid off on a Wednesday didn't you.

Hancock:
That's got nothing to do with it. I was ahead of me time that's all. They didn't want me to use the Method to play Buttons. That shows you what fools they were.

(affects pathetic 'cool daddio' American accent, Hancock's display of the Method school of acting)

"OK Cinders, you wanna...you wanna come to the Ball huh, huh, huh? Yuh? OK well get the sweater and the jeans on kid, mmm, huh, yeah? Yeah, Yuh, who's the big slob with the wand huh?" Of course they're all doing it now but I was the first mate. I reckon that alone 's worth an OBE. What about my charity work for the theatre?

Sid:
What charity work?

Hancock:
Founder of the fund for destitute comedians.

Sid:
Well what good is that? You're the only one who's drawn on it.

Hancock:
That's not the point. The thought was there, my home is always open to out of work actors. they know they can always come here and get a meal and a bed for a paltry sum.

Sid:
10 knicker a week paltry?

Hancock:
Well, some of 'em made good money in their day I don't see why I should suffer. But never any recognition at all, not a nibble. Any little nick-knack would have done. Couple of Garters and a Bar I don't mind, I'm not fussy it would have been nice, given a bit of prestige to the television show. Sir H-H-H-Hanthony Hancock's Half Hour.

Sid:
It doesn't matter what you've done mate, you'll never get a knighthood. You can't carry a title like that living in these cheap rooms.

Hancock:
No of course, I realise that but if I did receive an honour like that I'd should naturally move to more nicely surroundings, back to Hancock Towers the old Baronial Hall I never told you about that. what a marvellous place, one of the stateliest homes of England

('Land of Hope and Glory' strikes up)

Gothic motifs with Romanesque perpendicular traces; a gem of architectural beauty, the great sweep of the drive - one of Capability Brown's masterpieces, approached through great iron gates with the family crest dons in gold leaf. The majestic building rising out of the valley, the marble doorway flanked either side by heraldic beasts. Rearing rhinoceri with crowns on their snouts. The turrets and battlements commanding solace. The huge Centre tower hewn out of the solid rock of Old England, the East wing and the West wing bespattered with arrow slits through which sped a thousand arrows, built to withstand the onslaught of the invading hordes and the ravages of time, a lasting monument to the glory of mankind.

(music abruptly stops)

Sid:
What 'appened to it?

Hancock:
It fell down. Anyway, if I get a Knighthood I could start recouping the family fortunes. I could gain my natural inheritance: Lord of the Manor of East Cheam.

Sid:
How much is that worth?

Hancock:
My dear Sydney you can't value things like that in terms of mere money.

Sid:
Well what's the good of it them?

Hancock:
What's the good of it? Only that it entitles me to ride on horseback into the council chamber in full armour with me sword drawn, that's all. Ha ha. Plus the gift of a pancake from each of the villagers on a Shrove Tuesday.

Sid:
Oh well, if I was you mate I'd still forget it. Television comics will never get Knighthoods.

Hancock:
Well I don't see why they shouldn't.

Sid:
Because it destroys the 'ole dignity of the thing that's why. You can't 'ave Knights and Earls galloping around excepted " 'Ello my darlings, Oy Oy, that's your lot ". Have you gone mad?

Hancock:
No I suppose not. How can I get a title Sid?

Sid:
In this game boy? The legitimate theatre, that's the only way. You've gotta get in with the cream: Wolffit, Olivier, Richardson. Not a comic among 'em. The Old Vic boy that's the game. Two 'Amlets, one King Lear and your 'alf way 'ome.

Hancock:
Sid, I think your right. Course I've been approaching it the wrong way. A professional fool can't hope to compete with International heavies the like of what them lot all are. I shall have to brush up on me Shakespeare, I've got a copy of Treasure Island somewhere. You remember Robert Newton in that marvellous picture? I'll have this straight acting off in a couple of days then as you are my Manager you ring up the Old Vic and tell 'em I want to do Hamlet.

Sid:
You can't just ring up the Old Vic " I wanna do 'Amlet " just like that. They've got a waiting list. Michael Redgrave's before you, he's got his name down.

Hancock:
Do you honestly think they're going to mess about with Michael Redgrave if they can 'ave me? Come on, we'll go down and speak to them personally. Now you better run me bath and lay out me clerical grey shade 3.

Sid:
That the one we got laggin' the pipes outside innit?

Hancock:
That's the one yes. Yeah, put an iron over it, and put a couple of buttons on it eh? Well, it won't be long now. Page 709: Hancock, Anthony

(regal music)

Old Vic Manager:
Yes of course Ralph (pronounced 'Rayph'), we'd be thrilled to have you do another season for us. Yes any time you like. Yes I've spoken to Larry, he said he'd love to do another Lear for you. Oh yes, of course he wants Lear...yes that's what I thought you'd say. Well look here I'll pencil you in for 'Much Ado' sometime next year. Jolly good, bye.

(enter Hancock)

Hancock:
Good Morrow gentle Sir.

Old Vic Manager:
Good morrow? Oh, what can I do for you?

Hancock:
You sir can do nothing for me, I wish to go straight to the top. I never bother with minions. Kindly inform Old Vic I'm 'ere, I'll go straight in.

Old Vic Manager:
I'm afraid there's no such person.

Hancock:
You don't mean he's passed on? Oh, I am sorry. I'll have to send him a floral bouquet. Well who do I have the pleasure of addressing then sir?

Old Vic Manager:
I'm the Managing Director of The Old Vic Trust.

Hancock:
Well that's alright, you'll do. Put me down for a fortnight of Henry Five part I and II. I start the middle of April I can fix it in between Finsbury Park and Bolton.

Old Vic Manager:
I'm awfully sorry but you have the advantage of me, who did you say you were exactly?

Hancock:
(taken aback. To Sid) Tell 'im who I am.

Sid:
This is Tony Hancock.

Hancock:
Anthony Hancock!

Sid:
Yeah, Anthony Hancock.

Old Vic Manager:
Oh. Well you still have the advantage of me. What exactly do you do?

Hancock:
(incredulous) What exactly do I do? My dear sir, either you're jesting or you're looking for a punch up the hooter. Hancock the Actor.

Old Vic Manager:
Oh you're an actor.

Hancock:
That is so.

Old Vic Manager:
Yes, I'm afraid we don't do auditions.

Hancock:
(growing more and more affronted) Auditions?

Old Vic Manager:
No we only employ known actors here. Could you leave your name and address with the casting department, they'll let you know if there's anything for you. Good afternoon.

(shrugs him off with a 'don't call us' tone and returns to his work)

Hancock:
(explodes) Don't scribble when you're talking to me mush!

(grabs his pen)

Old Vic Manager:
How dare you? I'm just signing Sir Ralph's contract.

Hancock:
I don't care who...is that all he's getting?.. for a week ? (scoffs). I say, this is much ado about nothing isn't it? I thought he was at least on a 'monkey'.

Old Vic Manager:
My dear fellow, actors do not perform at the Old Vic for the money. They act here for the prestige.

Hancock:
Oh don't give me that. It's an income tax fiddle isn't it? You pay 'em in 'oncers' after the show, I know how it is.

Old Vic Manager:
We do not pay 'em in oncers! This is all any star gets at the Old Vic.

Sid:
Let's get out of 'ere. I can get you more than that for baked bean commercial.

Old Vic Manager:
Yes I think your agent's quite right. I think you'd do better with the baked beans. Now, I'm a very busy man if you don't mind...

Hancock:
Look, I'll put me cards on the table; I'm after the Knighthood and I'm not gonna get it with the baked beans am I? He's quite right, the prestige means more than the loot. Well, when do I start?

Old Vic Manager:
I've got a better idea. Get the Knighthood first and then come back.

Hancock:
No, no, no. I've gone into this, I know how it goes: The Old Vic first then the Knighthood. Now stop playing about. You've had Frankie Hardie, you can have me.

Old Vic Manager:
Yes well we...we don't know your work. I mean, we have a very high standard here.

Sid:
Ah well, if that's all that's botherin' you we'll show you somethin'. Give 'im the funny walk. This kills 'em.

Hancock:
He doesn't want to see the funny walk, he wants to see some actin'

Sid:
Oh well, do the bit I like you doin'

Hancock:
What? The bit I do in front of the mirror?

Sid:
Yes. You know Hamlet, when he's on 'is todd up there on the roof of Helsinki Castle.

Old Vic Manager:
I assume you mean the Soliloquy?

Sid:
Yes. He can do that as well. Go on, impress 'im.

Hancock:
Yes, yes alright. Well which shall I do? Charles Laughton, Edward Everett Haughton or the Robert Newton?

Sid:
Oh I think Robert Newton's your best.

Hancock:
Right, the soliloquy from Hamlet. I take it you're familiar with this scene?

Old Vic Manager:
The work has been performed here occasionally.

Hancock:
Yes, only I don't wanna flog meself to death if you don't know what it's about y' know. Right, we'll take it that the wings are over here, so I'll make me entrance in here with the parrot on me shoulder and the crutch. Then I go...

Old Vic Manager:
Just a minute...a parrot and a crutch? I don't recollect a parrot and a crutch in Hamlet.

Hancock:
It's my own interpretation of the part, do you mind? Every actor has his own idea of how Hamlet should be played and I see it with a parrot on a shoulder and the crutch. That's all there is to it. Give the artist a little leeway in his characterisation.

Old Vic Manager:
Yes but you, you can't depart completely from the author's conception of the role.

Hancock:
Are you arguin' with the actor?

Old Vic Manager:
No I'm not but I...

Hancock:
Alright. I enter with the crutch and the parrot. Yes. Now put that fag out and do me favour. Let's have the lights down a bit and if you've got any coughin' to do, do it now and let's get it over. Right, we're on then.

(hobbles onto centre stage and effects 'Long John Silver' accent).

"To be, or not to be: that is the question: Ha Haar!
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Jim Lad
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And, by opposing end them?"

Old Vic Manager:
Get out!

Hancock:
I beg your pardon.