Behind the Scenes at the Windmill by Tony Hancock who tells how he was 'discovered'

Razors flashed

So there was 'Ancock just winding his way down back down the stairs when there was a scream and the shattering of glass. A gang of thugs were breaking into the theatre.
The girls clustered in their negligees near the stage door, screamed and ran. Razors flashed in the dim light. I hit out wildly, seeing blood all over the doorman's face, and soon the sound of police whistles was added to the general clamour.
We overpowered the gangsters and drove them out just in time for the cops to round them up into the waiting Black Maria. It was like a crazy soap opera.
But do you know the funniest thing of all? The thugs didn't know it WAS the Windmill and what lovely treasures were almost within their grasp! They were East End louts who didn't know the West End, and they wanted to raid a nearby dance club. Hearing the music at the stage door, they made a tragic mistake.
Yes, my name's on the Windmill Honours Board and Van Damm can say he discovered me if he likes. But to tell you the truth he didn't want me in the place at all and I only became "discovered" because three other chaps were unlucky. Let me tell you.

Went berserk

I was flat broke at the time and living on the kindness of the pianist Derek Scott. We'd been in the Gang Show together, and then Derek was in "Piccadilly Hayride" with the famous Sid Field. Me - I was out.
In the kitchen, Derek and I cooked up an act together and we took it to Van Damm as the Windmill was the only theatre in London that would give us a hearing.
But there was another Scott waiting to be auditioned, Terry Scott...today the famous co-star of the TV show with Bill Maynard.
We sat in the wings, mournfully watching Terry "audish," knowing HE was going to be booked. But he was so nervous he went berserk...and that only made his act all the funnier. So Van Damm engaged him.
Then two more comics went on - two youngsters, Johnnie Bartholomew and Ernie Wiseman. But they were so funny too we knew our luck was right out. And it was. Van Damm booked them.
But for some reason Terry Scott couldn't fit the dates in, so Van Damm turned to us as a substitute.

"Look," he told us, "I'll take you on as well as Bartholomew and Wiseman...and whichever pair lasts the week I'll book permanently for the rest of the show."

8s. 3d. a show

Money always fascinates people, especially what the stars earn. As the Old Man didn't want us in the first place, he wasn't keen to pay much. He offered £25 for the act, to be split between Derek and myself. If you work this out six shows a day, six days a week, it comes to 7s. a performance each.
After a bit of argument we beat him up to £30. That made it 8s. 3d. a performance....
We didn't have to get in early on Wednesdays, as that day of the week Van Damm holds Open House. Anybody can go along and ask for a stage audition.

As I'd only just scraped past the bread-line myself, I liked to hang about the wings and see other youngsters get the Van Damm treatment.

However, I was busy rehearsing one morning, so I did not see a good-looking lad, only 18, with dark wavy hair. He was only a kid but he had a very sophisticated line of gags, and the old man gave him a fatherly look and said: "You're a bit young for such adult patter. But just wait until the end of the rehearsal and I'll see what I can do for you..."

My first visit

The next comic to be heard was a shy, fair-haired lad who made us all laugh with gags from his bumper fun book. Laughing loudest of us all was the young man with the so-grown-up jokes.
"Well" said Van Damm with a twinkle, "If YOU find him as funny as that I'll book him instead of you."

AND THAT'S HOW BOB MONKHOUSE LOST HIS CHANCE AT THE WINDMILL...AND ROBERT MORETON GOT HIS - BUMPER FUN BOOK AND ALL. BUT I DIDN'T CARE. I WAS GETTING ME EIGHT - AN' THREE A SHOW!
Mind you, I HAD been to the Windmill before. Once mother and I came up from Bournemouth for a day's shopping in London. We had an hour to kill before the train was due and mother saw the posters outside the Windmill.
"Here's a theatre that is open all day Anthony," she said. "This'll do for an hour. Let's go in..."
But when she saw the girls she began pushing me under the seat. Well, I was only seven.

Won solo prize

There are a lot of kids who began as Windmill girls and then blossomed out to fame on their own. Jean Kent, Valerie Tandy, Charmain Innes, Pearl Hackney, Beryl Orde, Diana Decker. But I can tell you the story of one girl who went there as a big act but stayed on to become a Windmill Girl! Yes, really.

It is less than ten years ago Cherry Wainer, the famous stage and television organist, was dancing at the Windmill.

She'd just arrived from South Africa at the time Van Damm booked me for the "Mill" and out in South Africa Cherry's father is a famous stage producer. Here her name meant nothing. So when Van Damm gave her an engagement playing the piano and solovox she jumped at the chance. It would get her well known in London she thought.
We were working together in Revudville No. 214.
In between shows Derek and I used to entertain Cherry Wainer to endless cups of tea in the canteen: and then, lounging on the wicker clothes hampers backstage, we used to plan our futures...in bright lights.
"I don't know what you boys are grumbling about," Cherry said one day, "I think this is a swell joint. I'm going to stay on for the next show as a dancer." "You're crazy Cherry," I said. But Van Damm was listening.
"Why? - can you dance?" he asked. And Cherry explained she'd won her solo prize at the Royal Academy of Dancing in South Africa. There were almost tears in her eyes as she pleaded with the Old Man to let her stay on as she so loved the jolly comradeship with its happy-family backstage atmosphere.
The Old Man generously granted her wish, and for Revudville No.215 she stopped being a star guest artist and was one of the line-up of flimsily clad dancers. She got her wish. But there was a typical touch of the old Van Damm.
"Of course," he said, "I can pay you only what the other girls get. You'll have to take a salary cut of more than 50 per cent."
I've never seen a girl look happier for getting less. But from that small beginning Cherry Wainer became the star artist she is today.

The final instalment of Hancock at the Mill will appear in the next issue of The Internet Ham

There are more serial memoirs and vintage articles penned by The Lad Himself to come in future issues of Internet Ham.